Butterflies, infatuation, that first taste of love, we’ve all felt it. Reverse that. Reverse all the hope, all the excitement, all the promise and replace that with loss. This is heartbreak and no matter how hard I run, how fast I am or how hard I try to fight it, it finds me and every time it overcomes me at my weakest moment.
You are not a failure. Your life isn’t falling apart just because things have gotten a little messy. I know it’s hard for you to see through all of the struggle you’ve gone through, and there will be more to come, but you’ll get there because you have a passion for all of the ‘possibles’.
I was asked why I named my guitar Serenity and my response was empty. I could feel the reason why, but I couldn’t explain it. Finally, after many hours of searching for an answer to that simple question I found what I was looking for.
My childhood was not perfect and I’ve stored away every memory from that time, locked in a box and buried as deep as my mind would allow. I never visit that time, I never had a reason to dig up those memories until now. And even through all of the pain I had endured stands one memory that brings as much joy to my heart as it does pain.
Because after the fight, after the pain, came the high, then numbness, nothing. Black. The end of it all and anything forward. Freedom; and that brought with it a contract; become a slave to loneliness and you may be free, and with that comes a loss of love.
So which is it, child?
You can’t continue this dance between love and freedom, dancing and pulling, back and forth until the threads that hold you together can’t hold on anymore.
You’ll spill everything out, child.
All your secrets and fears, and the times you giggled when you should have been polite. All those precious moments when you cried in the dark, tears of pain and loss, hidden so you could seem strong in the light.
Well, choose then, what do you need?
Let it spill then, everything, and be free in that, child. Be free in your love; love for you and for others, those who love you back. Be free in love because you’ve found safety in my arms and in my heart you’re home.
You’re free child.
I have a secret and I’m not sure I can handle it. I’ve done my best to hide it, but people are starting to look at me like I’m one of those crazy people that should be in those hospitals they rent over halloween to scare people. I’m not crazy.
It all started about 6 months ago when my friend graduated from some Gypsy class on hypnotism. I know, I was surprised to find out there were classes for that, too. I mean, who wakes up and decides they want to be a hypnotist? I’m pretty sure it happened right after he posted a quote about life being 10% experience and 90% how you respond. I took that one way, he took it as an opportunity to manipulate, we all have our fetishes.
How dare you take my heart and handle it so carelessly. What you held was precious to me. I was so careful with it.
I warned you, it bruised easily and you promised you had gentle hands. You said you saw it’s value, yet here it is, shattered, bruised, broken. And there you sit, unmoved by the damage you’ve caused.
This was all I had, it was all I could have given anyone and who’s going to accept it now, with so many fragile and weak points. I’ve done my best to repair it, but everyone will see the mark you’ve left. I’m not new and shiny anymore.
I was beautiful once, so pristine, so eager to feel loves embrace. Look at what you’ve done to me. I was polished and all of these tears have rusted everything that used to shine.
It’s such a cold and hollow feeling when you realize how much of your life you filled with their presence.
All the parts of your life that were missing something, the cracked and broken things, they were held together with their laughter. Everything was touched by them, even the sad days carried a bit of warmth because of how they loved you.
I don’t know which is worse, the heartbreak or the silence that falls afterward.
Not the silence that comes before the tears fall, but the emptiness you feel when you’ve cried endlessly and there’s nothing left. The numbness that drips down your back and spreads through your body like electricity when you realize you don’t feel anything.
I never thought it would feel this way, not like this. I thought being in love was supposed to be warm and soft, beautiful and strong with bits of passion and laughter.
I thought it would be smiles that last for days and warm kisses on the cheek on cold nights when the snow seemed endless and the chilled air bit at the delicate edges of my ears. I thought it would be open arms and comforting words during times of self-doubt and encouragement when I didn’t feel I was enough. Maybe I’m too much of a romantic or maybe I dreamt a bit too big.
I know it shouldn’t feel this way.
I followed your advice. I did all the right things in the right ways at the right time, yet here I am, hollow. You never offered me anything tangible for all of this hard work, just a promise of promise. You can achieve success, you can be the happiest version of you, you can find the deepest love, you can have every one of your dreams if you follow this perfect formula of specifically calculated steps.
I followed those steps, but they led me to more promise, more steps, more. And I kept going forward just like you wanted and I’m still moving toward a ghost of a chance at a perfect life. When I felt tired you told me to keep moving, keep playing the game because you have a good chance at winning. You knew all along I couldn’t win.